Too ill to work, the prestigious career I spent two decades building up vanished overnight. Without a livelihood, I found myself in a precarious financial position. Do people like me still shop at Department Stores? Or are people like me supposed to thrift shop? The mirror added to my confusion with loungewear replacing power suits. No longer working, I questioned whether all the home chores were my responsibility. From manager to maid, I was thrown into an identity crisis. Here is what I learnt.
What is an identity crisis?
An identity crisis is a period of uncertainty and confusion in which an individual questions their sense of self.
Before deciding what to wear, who to be friends with and what routines to adopt, we subconsciously ask ourselves, “Do people like me do things like this?” Our clear definition of ourselves and what makes up who we are provides the surety we need to make decisions and act. Without a clear sense of self, decisions that once seemed straightforward now lack clarity, evoking feelings of paralysis and emotional distress, akin to a sailboat stranded in the open sea without its sails—unable to move forward.
If you are feeling lost, indecisive, and estranged from yourself, you may be experiencing an identity crisis. This is where your sense of self, your idea of who you are, what makes you, you, has broken down—at least in your mind. From my experience, an identity crisis is triggered by a major change you deem as occurring for the “worse”. Let’s put it this way, no one has ever had an identity crisis from buying a house. Becoming homeless, however, will rock that identity boat for anyone.
The triggering change does not even have to be tangible. It could simply be a realisation, a “holy shit”, volcanic eureka moment.
Identity is make-believe
Unlike the realities of trees, animals, and nature, our identity is a mental construct, an idea propped up by many elements. Through our experiences, we form a mental map of the world and evaluate where we sit within it. We do this by crafting narratives about ourselves that define who we are.
When we think of identity, we often think of our unwavering core attributes, characteristics, beliefs, and values. We believe an identity ought to be able to withstand life’s pressures, the scrutiny of others, and the test of time. Nothing can be further from the truth.
Our identity is propped up by so many spindly pillars that warp and change; our jobs, roles, gender, physical appearance, knowledge, religion and culture, political stance, hobbies, social networks and status, what we own and drive, our address, tastes, passion, skills, abilities and so much more. When one of these fragile structures collapses, in many instances outside of our control, we are dropped from sky-high back down to earth. This drop is what shakes our sense of self.
The role of the ego
Why does an identity crisis only happen on the way down and not on the rise? That is a good question because it uncovers the root cause of an identity crisis. It’s not because one of the factors propping up your identity has fallen—that’s a symptom. Rather it is because your human ego is on the quest for more, for bigger, for better. It’s constantly scanning and surveying your surroundings, sizing up everyone around you, comparing and ranking your position. The ego, forged in your mind, must feel superior and justify its existence. As far as the ego is concerned, being a righteous vegan is as acceptable as being a wealthy CEO. It only needs to be able to justify its superiority.
The ego will happily accept changes in the direction of more and fight to resist changes in the direction of less. This resistance manifests as an identity crisis. Imagine waking up and being able to fly one day. Something that extreme should have you questioning your identity, but chances are, your ego will embrace the Phoenix within and that would be that. Now imagine being in an accident and losing both of your legs. The ego will be rolling on the floor kicking and screaming like an unsatisfied toddler in a busy supermarket. It will continue to make noise and provoke uncomfortable feelings to gain your attention, coercing you to do everything in your power to change the situation and restore its superior place in this world. Kill the ego and cure the identity crisis. It’s that simple. The heart of the problem is our ego, not our failure to maintain the many transient elements that prop it up.
Quieting the ego
A tragedy naturally dents the ego, but the ego will start rebuilding itself again immediately. Here are some of the ways to subdue our ego and give it less power to run our lives:
A tragedy naturally dents the ego, but the ego will start rebuilding itself again immediately. Here are some of the ways to subdue our ego and give it less power to run our lives:
- Ditched the labelling. Nothing is ever “good” or “bad” but a mixture of both. Even my health tragedy has many pros. Staying at home allowed me to get to know my children which I will never regret. It slowed down the pace of my life—something I truly needed but did not know I needed. It allowed me to pursue my other passions—I am soon to become an author. If the ego cannot recognise anything as superior or inferior, it cannot strive.
- Acknowledge that nothing matters. We did not exist for billions of years before we were born and we will cease to exist billions of years after we die. To believe that in our short span on earth, we can achieve something that matters so significantly that our legacy will live on for eternity is the ego talking. Billions of people continue to make a difference for billions of years after our death. Their efforts will overwrite our stories, sooner or later. It’s okay if your life is subpar, average, or spectacular. It won’t matter in the big scheme of things.
- Live in the present. The ego will plot, plan, and scheme its way to future stardom while seething at all the hurt and injustice inflicted on it in the past. None of these events are happening now, but the ego clings to them. In the case of past offenses, the ego asks, “How dare this happen to me?”, and for future success it's yet to obtain, the ego asks, “Why haven’t I gotten what I deserve?” The dissatisfied feeling it generates keeps you chasing and pursuing more, to build up your identity but it never gets enough.
What should we align ourselves with?
Intertwining our identity with transient elements outside our control is like building a castle on sand. It is only a matter of time before the majestic structure crumbles. I no longer align myself with what I do or have, but rather with who I am. Being respectful and kind is a choice I can make. It is within my control, regardless of what is happening around me. I can choose to be a good person even when life becomes difficult.
An identity crisis can be an opportunity for growth and self-discovery. Allow yourself the space to redefine who you are. Your identity is not just what you’ve lost; it’s also what you can create anew. Engage in what you are passionate about each day while being mindful of your ego, and your identity crisis will take care of itself.